This is the first time I could say that yeah, I love this job and I could not actually express how happy I am I got it.

But lately my boy toy and I have been in a series of fights.


Yeah, like I said I dunno how to express my love for my job. In effect, boy toy does not understand it. Result? Nasty emails, litanies and all that crap that make me wanna puke everytime I hear them.

Help me out guys. Maybe you could give me an idea on what to do.

After much consideration and reflection on what's happening, I have decided to drop out (via online dropping) of my masters class. This is to give way to my work.

There is too much going on in Ericsson MMSI. Sometimes, it's just too much that I cannot handle it anymore. I am becoming the shock absorber of the "prominent" figures of the division. I have been taking over the duties and responsibilities of people who do not do it because:
1. They are not usually around
2. They refuse to do it
3. They are too busy to do it

I would rather focus on career growth as a master's degree could wait for a few years more. This - especially the unnecessary rush "requests" (considered request ba yung bigla kang kokornerin ng mga boss to do stuff for them?) and my responsibility as project coordinator/administrator for Ericsson MMSI will help me more in terms of prioritizing, time management and all the other things I need to learn in the corporate world.

Besides, I realized I am not into marketing communications. I am really more of a writer and a sociologist type of learner. So if I would like to take up a masters course - it would be either in the field of philosophy, sociology or journalism.

Please don't ask me why I took up marcomm -- I honestly don't know what to tell you.

I guess this is it. Lies aren't the real enemy of truth.

Conviction. The strength to believe that everything is real. The faith that everything would be okay. That the world would someday stop revolving and we're the only people left.

Then again... Now I'm not even sure if I'm still a part of his world.

Lies. To hell with truth, yeah? Nothing is certain in this world, yeah? Even love.

Love is a state of mind. A temporary insanity that could push a person to the limit of his or her capacities... Worse, even accomplish those that should have been impossible. But how come something that's not real could actually change something that is?

He was a state of mind. What we had was a state of my mind. It was filled with illusions and unbearable events that could have been avoided, had I chosen not to.

Choice.

The decision to stick to my promises to him was a complete and utter crap. I knew it was going nowhere but I never left. I made a fool out of myself several times. All for the sake of being the person that an insensitive bloke wanted me to be.

I guess love really makes people become stupid. When people love, they rationalize the illogical so that everything would seem okay. When in fact, it's tearing them apart... Leaving them half-dead, hopeless and heartbroken.

Now he's trying to win me back. I told him I am no longer interested, when deep inside, I knew... That is another lie.

I guess I will never know what happens next. I never wanted to leave him but he pushed me away. Now that he feels threatened that another man has caught my attention, he's doing all sorts of stuff to say sorry. I wanted to believe that he has changed, that he really wants me back, that he's going to treat me better, that he really wants me for me, and not the person he wants for himself.

Choice, right? I could choose to go back and suffer another round of emotional beating. But two people insist that I shouldn't. I would have fallen with one of them now, but I choose not to. He takes care of me, is attentive to my emotional needs and is concerned of my well-being. He wants me to stand up for myself when the other guy hurts me like hell. He doesn't wish me harm. And I know, he is ten folds better than the other one. But why haven't I chosen to feel more than just love for a friend?

Simply because I'm still wishing he was him.

Maybe this is just the alcohol talking. I've had one too many for tonight. This is not new. I used to get myself drunk until all I could do is throw up and crawl.

Throw up and crawl. Yeah. Maybe those are the right words to describe how I had been behaving.

I guess it's hard to encapsulate love in just one journal entry. All the while, I thought it would be easy to rationalize it since I had been studying philosophy for a number of years now. Not even Friedrich Nietzsche could come up with the universal explanation of that four letter word. It's immeasurable. It's greater than anything in this world - considering that it should have only been a choice. A conviction. Or maybe a lie.

Now forgive me as I have to shut my pc down. I'll cry myself to sleep for the 19th time this month.

I watched a movie called Little Manhattan. This is something I don't normally do (except when life sucks, just like now) and something I don't normally endure. I hate that goddamn film because it just made me feel more miserable than I already am. I miss Ant.

Anyway, here are some memorable quotes on the movie.

=====
Leslie: Maybe not everything is supposed to last forever. Certain things are like... like... skywriting. Like, like, like a really beautiful thing that lasts for a couple moments and then... You know?
Gabe: [cries] Mommy!
Leslie: I know, honey. Love sucks.
Gabe: Yeah.
=====
Gabe: It's amazing how quickly time moves. Just yesterday, I thought I loved her, but now, I don't even care about her at all.
=====
Gabe: Well, how come all love has to end?
Adam: Let me tell you something about me and your mom. Once upon a time, we really loved each other, but as time went by, there just got to be all these things, little things, stupid things, that were left unsaid. And all these things that were left unsaid piled up, like the clutter in our storage room. And after awhile, there was so much that was left unsaid, that we barely said anything at all.
Gabe: Well, why didn't you just say them then, dad?
Adam: I don't know, Gabe. I kind of wish I had.
=====
Gabe: I couldn't escape them, all the little things I left unsaid, I was drowning in them.
=====
Gabe: Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. Love isn't about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there.
=====
Rosemary: But I thought you hate me.
Gabe: I don't. I lied.
Gabe: [thinking] I wasn't gonna be like my father. I wasn't gonna let all these things left unsaid smother me.
Gabe: Rosemary, I love you.
Rosemary: You what?
Gabe: I do. I'm sorry, but I love you more than anyone's ever loved. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Gabe: [thinking] How's that for letting it all hang out there? And hang, and hang, and hang.
Gabe: You think you might wanna love me, too?
Rosemary: I don't know what I think, Gabe, I'm only 11. I don't think I'm ready to be in love.
Gabe: I'm not ready and I'm doing it!
Rosemary: Maybe I was wrong, maybe girls don't mature faster.
Gabe: No they do, they do, you know they do. You even said so at the park. We at least mature at the same rate.
Rosemary: I don't know what mature is anymore, but I'm really happy you came. Do you want to dance, Gabe?
Gabe: Sure, what the hell.
=====
Gabe: See, this is just like I told you. Same thing I knew getting into this whole mess - love ends.
=====
Gabe: The truth is, you come into this world alone and leave it the exact same way.
=====
Gabe: Never had I felt so alive! I had a date with Rosemary! Was there any better age to be in any better city in the world?
=====
Gabe: What choice did I have but to return to my old, miserable life? Wait a minute. You were happy. Oh, please! I was miserable. I just didn't know how miserable I was.
*** I especially loved this line. Sometimes people don't know how sad they are unless they have already experienced happiness. What the fuck.
=====
Ant, I hope you're reading this. I'm guessing you know what's on my mind and I can't wait to hear what's on yours.

Superman
Goldfinger

So here I am
doing everything I can
holding on to what I am
pretending I'm a superman
I'm trying to keep
the ground on my feet
it seems the world's
falling down around me
the nights are all long
I'm singing this song
to try and make the answers
more than maybe

and I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want
to throw it all away

so here I am
growing older all the time
looking older all the time
feeling younger in my mind

I'm trying to sleep
I lost count of the sheep
my mind is racing faster
every minute
what could I do more
yeah I'm really not sure
I know I'm running circles
but I can't quit

and I'm so confused
about what to do
sometimes I want to
throw it all away
controlling everything in site

I'm feeling weak
I don't feel right
you're telling me
I have to change
telling me to act my age
but if all that I can do
is just sit and watch time go
then I'll have to say good bye
life's too short to watch it fly
watch it fly

Minsan iniisip ko na kung kailan ako magsasawa. Kung hanggang kailan ko balak maging pagod para sa mga maling dahilan, maling paraan, para sa mga maling tao.

Hanggang sa naisip ko... Putang ina, bukas baka may pag-asa na akong lumayo.

Haay buhay.

Random facts about me:

1. My favorite color is maroon and not brown.

2. I suffer from self-diagnosed selective amnesia. There are certain parts of my life that I choose to forget, and even if some people try to make me recall those, hindi ko pa rin matandaan for some reason.

3. I am not bad at math. In fact, I was my classmates' tutor in algebra and statistics. I just veer away from trigonometry and calculus. I hate combining letters, numbers and lines in just one friggin exam.

4. My ideal guy is actually Jvee Casio. He's smart, nice, approachable, great baller, dark-skinned, kalbo, and most of all, has an innocent pair of eyes. U gotta love his eyes, man. Parang di gagawa ng gulo.

5. My favorite philosopher is actually Martin Buber. Go figure out why.

6. Hindi ako nawawalan ng load, I swear. Pag hindi ako nagreply, ibig sabihin ayaw talaga kitang ka-text o kaya umiiwas ako sa tanong mo.

7. My first crush was Alvin Patrimonio. Grade 1. Hahaha.

8. I don't believe in sex. I believe in making love.

9. I adore Aerosmith more than any other band in the world.

10. I know, I am very certain, I will forever be a PBA fan.

11. I am bad at taking compliments, but I love to be assured that the people I love are and will always be there for me. So yeah, rather than tell me that I look pretty today, just lemme know that today won't be over as long as we're here.

12. I secretly adore Jay-R for the simple reason that I love the way he performs... But sometimes he overdoes it.

I walk up the staircase and through the door
To find the light has beat me there
It stretched across her hair
And in her eyes and she just smiles
And it's all she needs to say
And I feel fine
All the moments in my life have lead to this

My mouth forfeits my words
Dedication song to her

Will you walk with me
Cause I can't see
Just where I'm meant to be
Replay the scene over and over
And never change a thing
Ohh will you walk with me

She walked down the hallway and through the door
To find the light is waiting there
And its more than I can bare to look away
And I just smile it's all I need to say
To make her see that it's moments just like these
That I need

My mouth forfeits my words
She may not be mine but I'm all hers

Will you walk with me
Cause I can't see
Just where I'm meant to be
Replay the scene over and over
And never change a thing
Ohh will you walk with me

Will you walk with me
Cause I can't see
Just where I'm meant to be
Replay the scene over and over
And never change a thing

Ohh will you walk with me (will you walk)
Cause I can't see just where I'm meant to be (just where I'm meant to be)
Replay the scene (over and over) over and over
And never change a thing
Ohh will you walk with me

I've fallen in love with the song the first time I heard it. For some reason, I wanted to fall in love with someone that time.

The thought that someone could actually force my world into a pause would probably be something. I dunno, I haven't experienced it yet. My world has been a pain ever since I got to realize who I was, entirely. Like the world should never stop revolving and I should never stop thinking.

I want to fall in love.

I want to find a guy who could make me stop thinking. Someone who could make me realize that, hey, I need a break, I deserve a break, and with him, I can fuckin' overbreak!

I want my world to stop turning for a while. I want someone to walk with me. I don't care where, or how long. For once, I want to fall in love and not hold back.

I will forever love you. I will forever love the person I am when we're together. I will forever love what we have, and I will forever be here for you.

My heart will forever be yours, no matter how many times it got smashed, intentional or otherwise.

You will forever be in me.

I just hope, that before I get myself killed because I had been badly managing my life, I would make you realize, that I am the one for you, and you are the one for me.